They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
