Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
