you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
