tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
