Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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