Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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