the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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