12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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