my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
