margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
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