WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
