Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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