Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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