From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
