If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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