i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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