At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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