I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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