Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
