I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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