So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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