I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize