I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
