if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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