Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
