You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Randomize
