Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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