Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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