Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
