I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
BRING THE BAGELS
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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