So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
