So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
