he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
