My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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