Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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