I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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