I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
