I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
