And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i think i have two assholes
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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