How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
