jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize