Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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