Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize