Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
