Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize