I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
