M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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