I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
