I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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