Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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