She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
