Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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