I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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