"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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