A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
