I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
