I'm gonna have a badass scar
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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