I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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