life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
