The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
