I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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