What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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