she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
