I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
