there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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