U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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