saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
