guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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