just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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