he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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