2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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