Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
